11 Apr

Including the Excluded Conversation 

Starting From Your Own Back Door

All communities have to start ‘from their own back door’ if they wish to heal, because only they know what is needed and required for change to take place.  In many diaspora communities, we have to start from the inside and heal out and one way of facilitating that healing is through Family and Community constellations that Include the Excluded Conversation.  The Excluded Conversation is one that focuses on the difficult issues that impact our communities and cause dis-tress, dis-ease and dis-harmony.

I am interested in how to support families and communities to look at the ‘deep roots’ of difficult conversations and relationships.  In many of our communities the family is indivisible, both impact on the other.  This is what can make it so difficult for individuals in families to explore their African or Asian heritage, often questions about identity and belonging are taboo or painful to discuss so they are avoided or ignored.

Conversations on Historical Legacy

We can seek to explore these conversations on history and legacy and trauma through the mapping process of a systemic constellation. When we fear the taboo, the unspoken and the unknown and keep silent, there is a danger that others in the family or community may take them on and recreate the family patterns from the past.

There are many issues that we know exists in our communities that we do not speak about. Often these conversations are suppressed and kept within our families and communities for fear of shame, guilt, judgement!!  My cousin told me a story about a young woman in America who entered her boyfriends house and looking at a picture on the wall enquired “why is my grandmother on your wall?”

We do not speak of this, or the fear of or other losses, the missing brothers and sisters in our clan, those we have heard of but never met.  And those that we have never met and are suddenly presented to us later in life.  There are other issues that are a left-over legacy from slavery and colonialism like ‘shadism’.  This form of skin bleaching is increasingly being practised by young and mature women from African and Asian communities and colour favouritism still exists in many families and communities.

Transgenerational Anger

Taynaylah ElderThere is too much transgenerational anger that reasserts it head in different forms.  In the last two weeks the issue of gang violence in London has been in all the media and news.  But this is not new, these acts of gang violence.  Black on Black killing and self harm has been present for many years.  But now younger and younger children are becoming involved and it feels like a new generation is under threat.

Many families who come from communities that have migrated and raised second and third generations in their new homeland are facing these and other issues of identity, belonging and stigmatisation. The dis-ease of living with these stressors impact our families and communities. Our emotional well-being Is being impacted and creating health problems, of the body and mind.

Often in African diaspora communities we have often used, music and dance to articulate our experience.  Movement allows us to express a situation in a different way, to harness the energy of the conversation along different lines.  We can do something similar through systemic constellations which map out a family situation or community dilemma that can act as an oracle, a past to present story that we can learn  and begin to heal from.

Through this process we can begin to look at the legacy of our history differently.  When we map out and constellate the impact of slavery and colonialism, war and migration on the lived life of our family members and community it affords us a different perspective.

This is not therapy, it is not a long term solution because for that we would need generations of healing work.  It is however a start and a therapeutic healing process that can start to work with family and community life as it is now, here in the present. All therapeutic work can bring up strong emotions and feelings that are difficult to explore.  But can we let our fear of our feelings, have a greater control over us than our fear of what will happen within our families and communities if we do not make profound change?  Questions not for solutions, but for reflection.

Until next time!